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for myrddin
alone: How does your OC deal with loneliness? Have they ever been completely alone before? How do they act when there's no one around to see them?
break: What would cause your OC to break down completely? What do they look like when that happens? Has anyone ever seen them at their lowest?
future: What's the worst possible future for your OC? Are they taking steps to avoid that outcome? Are they even aware it's a possibility?
heartbreak: Have they ever had a relationship that ended badly? Experienced some other kind of heartbreak? What happened?
midnight: What keeps your OC up at night? Do they have nightmares? Fears? Anxieties? What do they do in the small hours of the morning when they should be sleeping?
pain: What's the worst pain your OC has ever felt? Do they have a high pain tolerance?
Oooh, we love Myrddin
alone: How does your OC deal with loneliness? Have they ever been completely alone before? How do they act when there's no one around to see them?
Loneliness is almost a constant and yet a distant memory at the same time. Myr doesn't often feel lonely, Magnus is an almost constant companion, his other half never far, but there have been times when they hide to hide separately. Times where their grandmother had come looking. It had been one of the most terrifying moments in his life. If Myr is alone, if he lets everything drop, he's just exhausted. He's had to fight to survive, to live, to even move. Magnus knows so much, but Myr doesn't want him to know just how bad it is.
break: What would cause your OC to break down completely? What do they look like when that happens? Has anyone ever seen them at their lowest?
Either of his brothers dying. Magnus, more so considering that they are twins, but if either Magnus or Mars dies, there is nothing he wouldn't do. Nothing he wouldn't raze to the ground, no one he wouldn't hurt-torture-kill.
His lowest that anyone has ever seen, that has happen yet, has only been seen by Magnus and his Father. It was after Mars finally got out, when he was in a coma in the Golden Escape. It wasn't pretty.
future: What's the worst possible future for your OC? Are they taking steps to avoid that outcome? Are they even aware it's a possibility?
The worst possible would be his family dead and the board being leveled. Not the whole family, not all the Mims, but his brothers? His mom? Dad? They mean the world to Myr.
As for taking steps? There is no magic on the Isle, well no magic that people can actively use. However, Runes aren't inherently magical. And they soak up residual magic so beautifully. Despite what others think, the Board is one of the most protected and fortified entities on the Isle. And it's entirely due to Myrddin's (well-placed) paranoia.
heartbreak: Have they ever had a relationship that ended badly? Experienced some other kind of heartbreak? What happened?
No. Most of the Isle doesn't know Myrddin exists nevertheless is alive. He hasn't had a chance to have a heart break.
midnight: What keeps your OC up at night? Do they have nightmares? Fears? Anxieties? What do they do in the small hours of the morning when they should be sleeping?
Physically? Pain. Lots of pain. Mentally? So many nightmares. Fear for his family, of his grandmother. What he does depends on where he is. If he's with his dad, they just talk, sometimes about magic, runes, what they can and can't do on the Isle or about nothing at all. If he's with the Board, he will find Magnus and just sit with him, maybe read if he can, but just being near helps him so much.
pain: What's the worst pain your OC has ever felt? Do they have a high pain tolerance?
Magnus's exit from Madam Mim wasn't quiet or peaceful, he nearly died. He did die actually. Myrddin felt part of his soul rip from his body when that happened. He doesn't remember exactly what happened but from what others say happened, what they heard, what he did? It wasn't pretty, he might not remember the event, but he remembers the pain.
Myrddin has an incredible pain tolerance, it comes from all the chronic pain
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Agent 12 but something looks a little bit weird
eh. must be my imagination
Happy yurimas, everybody [4/3]
#idc how much time passes I'll always be agent 12's biggest defender#i love them to death even if I don't always show it#I was gonna draw them in fancy clothes but then i realized I have like. no time to do that#only started working on this maybe an hour ago lmao#maybe next week ill draw them at a party or smth#agent 4#agent 3#captain 3#agent 12#agent 34#agent 43#splatoon#arg… that be me art matey
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...
.....eepy....
#milgram#milgram project#mikoto kayano#shidou kirisaki#0509#0905#my art#i am too cringe for this world#“oh man! i'm so eepy” i said like 4 hours ago before i started experimenting with colors#i feel cringe about this but someone will appreciate it maybe </333 (exhausted)#mmmm do i queue this or post this now...#meh *hits post at 3 am* :thumbsup:
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.....realized I would literally rather work 12 hours a day and come home to complete silence where my space is exactly the way I like it and I don't have to continue to mask my reactions than have to work all day then come back to a roommate. wish I'd had this realization 2 months ago. I've been crying about how much I don't want to live with someone else and just NOW realized I'm an adult and I've organized my life in such a way that I don't technically Have to I can just work harder at a number of kind of shitty jobs I'm qualified for
#had a whole breakdown in private when i found out they had already leased my place i am hot mess this year#there are other places around the same price it was just. i thought about not having to move and the instant relief and hope for the future#then again i thought about not having to live with anyone else in general and that did also restore my hope for the future a tiny bit#if i had just realized i can do what i want even a month ago#:(#i don't WANT to suffer the 2-4 month mental consequences of changing where i live#i was getting a roommate because i was like. so i lose my ability to be around people and still function/hold down a job every 2 years#i should start planning for the next go around of the cycle#THEN i realized wait. i was living with my family for burnout 1#i was working 2 jobs and going to school for burnout 2#i was living with a roommate for burnout 3#(extension of burnout 2)#i was living with my family working full time and doing classes online for burnout 4#what if. here's a thought#i wasn't living with family i wasn't living with a roommate i wasn't in school#and i worked the same shitty job that gave me $16 an hour#but at the end of the day i just didn't have to do any other work#hm.#idk if i will even be able to find a place that accepts me on my own without a guaranteed income but#god it would help me keep a guaranteed income to live alone#who knows maybe i'd even be able to get therapy for the fact that i have never felt truly comfortable around anyone irl#it's always been like i had to force myself through anyway but what if i got to stop for even like 2 years
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musings on insects, isolation, and how much can change when you're not looking
#i started this like a month ago#and finished it today because i was laughing at how much the sentence 'i'm going bug hunting with my partner' would kill pre-college me#but yeah. i'm still learning to accept that i'm not alone anymore.#learning to love insects was easy. it's a lot harder to learn to love myself#in the wise words of a fic my friend wrote: it sucks so bad sometimes. but even when it sucks it's better.#personal#insects#also all of the scenes in the middle two pages are specific memories that have contributed the most to why neither of those things are true#1. meeting my partner in an entomology class i took on a whim#2. the fateful 8 hour dnd conversation on a field trip for that class that started our friendship#3. trip to a museum (i also could have drawn the part of that trup where i got to hold a cockroach but i don't have a picture of it)#(and i really like that picture of her)#4. seeing a cockroach on the way to class and both of us yelling 'oh my god a little guy!'#5. working at an insect collection together (oh god the things our boss has probably heard)#6. seeing a boxelder bug on the way to see a movie together (we always saw insects when we spent time together)#7. seeing fireflies for the first time when i visited her over the summer :D
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Reading is so dangerous for me rn like I pick up a book and I truly do not put it down until it’s done. I want to read babel so bad but I’m afraid I won’t leave my room for 2 days
#I’m 2/3 done with the southern book clubs guide to vampire hunting#I started it like 4 hours ago 😭😭😭
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I keep randomly remembering that the reason our brain is especially fucked and a bunch of our symptoms are worse right now is because of like, an avoidable external thing that's chemically affected our nervous system instead of either our symptoms flaring up on their own or some specific stressful event triggering it, and for some reason that keeps making us feel especially bad about it.
like our mental health being bad because of stressful stuff going on and our mental illnesses randomly flaring up both suck, but I can handle our brain just doing its own thing and/or reacting to what's going on around us.
but something about it being a medication that someone else prescribed that's changed the way our brain functions is significantly more distressing in a way I can't put into words properly. a lot of the symptoms we've got (apathy, brain fog, alexithymia, memory problems, etc) are very typical depression and dissociation symptoms, but they're like a weird version of them that feels very different to how we normally experience them.
the only way I can describe the difference in feeling is that it feels more "artificial" but I can't even really describe what I mean by that. if normal brain fog is looking out the window on a foggy day, this is looking out of a window that's been covered with those frosted vinyl sheets. you can't see shit either way, but the feeling is very different.
I just desperately want it to go away. I'm finding it hard to be enthusiastic about things I'm normally excited about no matter how bad our depression gets, and our usual coping mechanisms for getting our brain to register positive things aren't really working because it's not the same underlying mechanism.
it feels like any control I did have over our symptoms and anything I could do to help with them has been stripped away and all I can do is wait it out and hope it fixes itself, and the whole "being given a drug that changes how your brain functions and takes away your control over what your brain is doing" is pretty much the exact phobia I was trying to learn to figure out how to deal with before we get dental work done, and for the dental work it'd be like... idk probably an hour at most, whereas now I'm just stuck dealing with experiencing it 24/7 for an undetermined amount of time
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#long post#posts made on pain meds#<- we took them like 4 hours ago so idk if it still counts#but anyway this is one of those things where I can't tell if it sounds unhinged#I can't word any of my thoughts correctly and it's really freaking me out#basically a lot of it is like... symptoms we'd normally get but a really weird version of them#like this isn't something our brain would naturally do. it's technically the same symptom but it never feels like this#the apathy we normally get is like ''I'm struggling to feel excited about this but when I go and engage with it I still feel something''#whereas this is ''I keep looking at things I love and adore and just feeling nothing and now I'm questioning my sense of self''#our normal symptoms suck but at least they're familiar and there are things I can do to help with them#whereas this feels like I can't access my own feelings and the emotions I can feel are weird and unfamiliar#and I can't seem to do anything about it and I'm scared it won't go away or that I'll start acting in ways that aren't like me#and some of that is probably just me freaking out and being paranoid#but it's been 3 and a half days and yeah the really bad stuff has calmed down but it's kind of plateaued now#I probably need to do some kind of grounding exercises or anything that would be identity affirming in any way#but I'm struggling to actually do that stuff because of y'know... the exact symptoms that are the reason I need to do it#I feel like I sound insane but here we are I guess#and after all this I still have to also worry about side effects from sedation when we get those teeth pulled#on top of all the fucking phobia shit but like I'm already experiencing that anyway so at this point it's just more of the same shit
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ARE YOU READY TO LET YOUR HEART REST AMONGST THE EVERLASTING, MY LITTLE CHAMPIÑON FRIEND?
#LN#debbie#asdhfgkkh i quite literally started this a year ago for her birthday and then i remember losing my drawing pen and feeling#gloomy at not finishing it. and suddenly today‚ i remembered her birthday fell around august and checked her wiki so:#🎉happy birthday🎂🥳 to my daughter‚ who in another world is my little mushroom dawn front general💕👏😭!!!#few notes: 1) sometimes‚ all you have to do is open an old wip and realize that adjustments that would've taken you hours to do a year ago#would now take less time‚ but only if you've never stopped trying to improve yourself. it made me a little teary‚ not gonna lie :'D#2) her color palette was inspired by a tokoyami's art piece i made ages ago. i absolutely love that piece. will reblog it soon here :D#3) parts of her suit are inspired by akishi ueda's piece named ''Children of the Beginning''. It's such a whimsical piece as is most of his#work. the other inspiration i took for her suit was this specific 17t century doublet coat? all i know is the coat i'm talking about#to the blog i saw it from‚ is that it comes from the book ''17th century Cologne Costume'' published by Abegg-Stiftung in 2008. so yeah :)#4) —and this is so stupid but‚ champiñones is a spanish name for edible mushrooms which almost sounds like champion so yeah. yeah. asdjsfk
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What do you know, I may be able to finish this project in a timely manner
#dudeeee I want to be done with this so so bad#this is what happens when you're actually busy with other stuff as well#you're better at time management#can't wait for this exam session to be over so I can 1) play some viddy games 2) start looking at these two new subjects#3) get back to music practice 4) discuss smt about my traineeship#my post#now back to half an hour of work and then to sleep#oh I should also read this article I saved a few days ago on network science and Bach's music#(which I might use as a half baked excuse to start a new conversation 🤡)#(the situation is starting to get on my nerves because I'm somehow both 'yeah whatever hope we get to meet again and hang out'#and 'I need to know what's going through their mind so bad' with a dash of 'I'm pretty sure I don't even like them that much'#'I'm just overidealizing them because of a series of circumstances'
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i’m in between jobs atm + waiting for a phone call that may or may not be a super cool opportunity but rn i’m like. what do i do with my free time???
#important note: i still got a sprained ankle (it’s healing but i still can’t really walk) so i can’t exactly go out and do stuff#i’m seeing the zone of interest this afternoon so at least i’ve got that going for me but it’s 12am. my bf went to work 2 hours ago…#WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? here are my options#1) finish watching killers of the flower moon which i started yesterday but it’s 3 hours long so i stopped at the 1 hour mark#2) start a book (?)#3) i offered to edit a friend’s CV but that’ll only take 15 mins so i could do it at any point#4) start a tv show? don’t really feel like it tbh#5) rot in my couch watching reels (this is what will likely happen)#oh oh. and 6) STARE ANGRILY AT MY PHONE BECAUSE ITS NOT RINGING
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how much do u wanna bet that by the end of it my poor, pooR console won't be able to actually download the full update anyways
#genshin#it started out as like 26 hours to dl & we're down to 4 but started at 26 maybe 3 hours ago#is my genshin play finally Over?#who kno#screaming into the void#i gotta go mimis soon tho i work in the morning
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i hate not being able to unpack like i NEED to get into a mf let agreement ASAP 😭😭
#stream#also i love bags#yea i used dirty socks to clean up spilled beer fuck u#it’s literally midnight.30 & i told myself i’d be in bed an hour ago#girl i’m just#STILL IN THAT LIMBO OF WANTING TO SETTLE BUT FUCKING CANT#THAT IVE BEEN IN SINCE FUCKING JULY#& IM STILL IN IT 😭😭😭#i just want classes to start so bad i just need a fucking schedule so bad#also mondays will be miserable but it’s fine#literally i’ve a 9am then my last class ends at 7pm 😭😭😭😭#BC OF THE FUCKINNG JAPANESE !!!!!!!!! maybe i should’ve just done welsh#i’ve been wearing those pants for 3 days ALSKALKSALKSALSKLAKSLA#also i’ve been chainsmoking but we know that#i’m soooo tempted to get a vape but i just listened to a vape podcast today & did u know that vapes are the same thing as smoke machines#ALSKALSKALSKALSKALKSLAKSLQ#& some of the vape flavours literally … eat through the plastic petrie dishes#vaping episode of Science Vs#yes i’ve 2 water bottles bc they’re from tesco meal deals ALSKALSKALSLALSLALSKALSKALKSAL#that i haven’t even eaten literally all i’ve had since like 4 is 750ml of beer#& many cigarettes#girl i hate living in a ‘community’ like everyone ‘got a spare fag?’ like YES I DO :D then i give it away & go wait#i needed that#ALSKALSKALSKALKSLAKSALSKQL#I JUST LIKE BEING NICE !!!!! like of course my darling i’ve a smoke for u ❤️#don’t ask for a joint bc u ain’t gettin that from me#that will be my own holy water#once i get my hands on some weed …#girl i’m probably not even going to smoke here like ALSKALSKALSKALSKALKSALKSALS#i feel like i can wait until i go home for christmas like 😭😭😭
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WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUFK WHAT HE
#Danganronpa#Goodbye Despair#Nagito Komaeda#Is this a spoiler? It's literally chapter 1.#I was starting to like him and then this happened what the fuck#I am very uncomfy what is happening with the tumbly sexlrman#<- I wrote all that about 4 hours ago and have new thoughts.#To make a molehill out of a mountain I think he needs 1.) a punch in the throat#2.) someone to sit down with him for 5-10 hours and Socratic Method him into the ground and#3.) a soft blankie.
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who let me stay up this late and didnt tuck my sleepy ass into bed
#i started getting a migraine 3 hours ago but took a bunch of acetominophen to stave it off which worked (i also drank water for once....)#and like#now im just sad. because my friends are all offline#and everyone else who i might want to talk to is INTIMIDATING#like hi ilu pls approach me first so i can talk to u. ur SCARY otherwise#i need to stop staying up this late anyways but.#i cant help that nighttime is so much Easier for me in general.........#idk i just. i want my friends#i miss my friends (it has been less than 4 hours since we last spoke)#social creatures do in fact be needing interaction
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what they dont tell you about learning music instruments is that you have to practice. unbelievable
#/silly#having so much fun with ukulele#but also i need to remind myself i cant automatically be an expert at anything i just started#like i got this ukulele like 2? 3 months ago?#and accumulatively ive only been practicing for several hours#like one of the songs i can already play & sing are 2econd sight seer. 5 names. those arent nothing#i probably got a head start with guitar but also its been almost 4 years since the guitar broke#also i cant believe ukulele is my cheapest hobby ever i spent zero on these things. the now broken guitar was my cousin's#the ukulele was my brother's until he got a new one#I FOUND 6 PICKS INSIDE A PLASTIC BAG IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD TRASH BIN#asked around and no one's claimed it so what am i supposed to do. leave it in the trash bin? nah#just realized those arent one song those are two i cant count aku masih tk a#krispeaks#im too shy to talk about ukulele irl wah#belom bisa apa-apa kak cuma modal nggak buta nada
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✧・゚: ✧・゚:like heaven above me:・゚✧:・゚✧
#ts4#sims 4#s4 edit#ts4 edit#I MADE IT i started this literally like 3 hours ago#yes this is the same song i used last year BUT this time i went more with the theme so shhhhhhhh#funfact: theyre sims from my legacy i dont post from like 6 years ago#and their grandkids are STILL alive so thats how much progress ive made since then lol whoops#also yes she was a spy in game and yes her name is valentines themed and yes ive been watching bond movies again#this is all one big fun coincidence tbh
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